Hillary Acknowledges Obama Has Enough Delegates… For Now
In a somewhat puzzling comment issued to top donors, Senator Hillary Clinton acknowledged that rival Barack Obama “has the delegates necessary to receive the Democratic nomination… for now.” However, what followed was a swift and unexpected about-face as Hillary noted that “there is no guarantee that these delegates will be the ones deciding at the convention.” Making a bizarre reference the string mysterious deaths among Russian political dissidents in recent years, she added, “For all we know, these delegates could drop dead tomorrow. All it would take is trace amounts of polonium-210 in their cornflakes.”
She thanked her supporters for what is and “continues to be a historic and spirited campaign season” and reiterated her case as the superior candidate in November. “All I know is that I’m still here and vigorously competing for recognition on behalf of women and white Americans everywhere. And if you see a turtle on the fencepost, you know it didn’t get there by accident.”
An anonymous spokesman for Clinton’s campaign clarified the polonium-210 reference, stating, “She wasn’t advocating assassination by any means. Senator Clinton is just as concerned about her delegates as her rivals’ delegates; anyone seeking to subvert democracy would obviously go after the delegates of the candidate who leads in the popular vote. She is very concerned about Russian interference in the American democratic process due to rising tensions and I have it on good authority that, strictly off the record, she is enthusiastic about communicating through strength with our enemies in the east and would under no circumstances negotiate or visit hostile regimes such as Russia or China. She’s really eager to test our nuclear arsenal as a means of securing better trade and democratic reforms and believes this is the kind of statement needed in the wake of Bush’s disasterously limp-wristed approach to foreign policy. And by targeting industry and automotive facilities in developing, ethnically diverse rival nations, she is confident she could bring gas prices back down to $1.50 at the pumps for blue collar white Americans while bringing factories back to Detroit and Pittsburgh.”
Barack Obama was unavailible for comment but his campaign later released a statement which read, simply: “…”
Unfortunately, the real story isn’t nearly this entertaining… yet.
However, before this primary season comes to a close, let me shill my satirical 2008 Democratic Primary Snark Memorabilia
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